SYDNEY:
I won't go into a lengthy explanation, for obvious reasons to most of my friends, but suffice it to say that I've had a change of plans (relocation) and a change of heart (redirection). "And the beat goes on..." for those of you who still remember that old Sonny & Cher song. I'm putting my life and my heart into a different gear and heading uphill on the eternal quest for purpose, dignity, integrity, and faith in the unknown. I feel shellshocked but alive. I feel uncertain but brave. I feel dispensible but not unworthy. Love is all about risk, so I have no regrets. However, being away from my support base and my loved ones with whom I can really let down my guard and be myself, this is the challenge ahead of me. I feel a bit lost and misguided, so any encouragement in the form of love emails would greatly be appreciated. Send the love. And remember, I can't do this without you.
wendy
SYDNEY:
There are no other words than the words that have already been written:
In the unreal world
you know you've arrived.
The turbulence you are experiencing
is only your fears
skyscraping the unknown.
It's a ticket
to the devil's salvation.
I aboard a train
without tracks
leaving the carnival
behind me.
_____
These lines haunt me now more than ever. It's the last stanza from one of my older poems, "Westbound," of which some of you may or may not remember or have a copy. If you know me well, then you might understand where I'm at. If you don't know me at all or don't know the poem, then you're on your own. Tonight is full of riddles and confusion and facing the unknown. What lies ahead, I have no way of determining. If I was once drawn to the mystery, I am no longer. How about more words?....
She folds and folds
and tucks
herself
inside herself
not regression
but submission
she suspects that anger
is ten thousand times her weight
but she calculates that her compassion
outweighs the universe
still, she acquiesces
holding space for two year's worth
of someone else's hostility
and for a brief, palm-held, magical moment
she lifts off the page
writing herself out of this toxic script
spellbound by the mere philosophical premise
that this world
turbulent in its self-righteousness
challenging in its destructive tendencies
surpasses a limited dualistic paradigm
by summoning in limitless tolerance
relentless understanding and empathy
and a beauty beyond all imaginings
but only if we allow it
only if we believe it
Sounds so simple
on paper.
______
I am very frustrated right now because I can't access my email. Lycos must be down. And of course it's down because I need to send an s.o.s. email to my best friend, Adrienne, and she's probably picking up my distress on some psychic level that I really need her. Her dreams are likely scrambled. And when the phone rings, she might be thinking, "is that Wendy?" but then she thinks, "no, that can't be Wendy, she never calls from long distance." And then she goes about her day but something is always scratching at the back of her mind, because we're connected like that. She knows me better than anyone on the planet. And truthfully, there isn't anyone that I would want to know me better than her. I'm not sure that's there's anyone I trust on this planet more than her. Maybe she's writing about me in her journal right now. She could be worried about me. I'm a little worried about me. But I'll be okay. I'm just deep in thought. I'll write again soon... when I'm not feeling so displaced and uncertain.
Time will tell all
Love will sort itself out for the best
I believe wholeheartedly in our capacity to expand & grow & learn & face our fears & ultimately embrace life's gifts.
Fucking timing. Live for love, I say.
Sealed in tears & love & smiles & kisses & giggles, & hugs & sweet, smelling passionfruit soap & support & space for solitude & room to explore & a warm familiar presence to lighten the load and help soften the blows of the highs and the lows that come our way.
_______
And still no access--almost seems analogous, metaphorical, an omen. "Access is Everything" I wrote just before I got on a plane for Aus. Then again, maybe it means nothing.
I'll write again soon. No worries. Just feeling contemplative and reflective and inside myself.
XO wendy
MELBOURNE:
DANDENONG RANGE: It's this unbelievably magical and sacred Aboringinal forest, filled with crisp, fresh, sweet air, wild magpies chirping away, wet, drippy moss clinging to every tree, and more ferns than I have ever seen in my whole life. Karla, Jen & I hiked around through this gorgeous overgrown trail where fantastic clay sculptures lined our path and I felt like I was walking through ancient times. As they say in Aus, "it was FULL ON!" Then, just as we were driving down the mountain, 2 wild, bushy white llamas came barrelling out of nowhere down the road and almost ran into us. Luckily, we swerved, they swerved, and then they disappeared as fast as they had appeared. I was not hallucinating a thing. I have 2 other eye witnesses who saw what I saw, I swear!
Workshop last night was great. Over 40 people turned out, discussions were lively, intense, and emotional (just the way I like it), and I sold out of books. Extra big thanks to Jo, Shelley, and the awesome folks who work at Irene's Warehouse (a brilliant anarchist space). I leave for Sydney today. But I wish I could pack Karla & Jen in my bags because they are absolutely the most generous and sweetest women to walk this earth. Life is good. Emotions are high. Energy is vibriant.
I miss you, my friends, my family, my tribe. Never doubt this for a minute!
Love abounds,
wendy-o
MELBOURNE:
I am most definitely in the city of gorgeous women, sensational dykes, talented artists, rockin' djs, fabulous friends, kick-ass vegan resturants, and the most open-hearted people you could possibly find... Melbourne Rocks! I know all of you are anxious to know every scandulous detail of the Gurlesque show, but suffice it to say... it was quite possibly the top 10 riskiest things I've ever done. I was nervous as hell and I'm convinced that the first front row of over 100 people could likely see my knees caps trembling (gulp!) . But what a rush!! Talk about bearing your soul and your undies in front of hundreds of women. All I can say is thank god it was a women's only event.
I'll keep ya posted, gotta run now...
only love and vulnerability,
wendy
