JOURNAL
HOME: End of the Year 2007
Date: Dec. 9, 2007
Dearest Love Allies,
I realize that I have neglected you via my blog for over a year. Shame on me. You deserve endless love letters and to never be taken for granted. I apologize and make no excuses except to promise that I will try harder. 2007 flew by and I'm left with wondering how I can possible summarize what I feel in a nutshell... perhaps I'll leave you with a reflection:
Author and educator, Erica Jong, who is most well known for her frank treatment of a woman's sexual desires, writes, "Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more."
This will make a good mantra for 2008 because my best friend, lover of 18 years, and emotional life companion is moving to Australia. I will need to gather my strength and courage while she sets off on her next far-off journey. And that's why I'm writing all of you because if we can create a largest enough groundswell for love, she might just feel it. Our combined love energy could potentially vibrate beneath her feet and keep her stirring with love tremors. Perhaps like the mystical whirling dervishes, our love together will spiral in harmonious unison with the planet, transcending minor obstacles, such as gravity, time, distance, and this limited dimension.
Another courageous lover & friend, Kayla Starr, once wrote, "The potent seeds of love you plant wherever you go are well rooted and blossoming in my heart." This encapsulates everything I feel and believe. Thank you for this garden of passion that each of you stir inside of me. You truly are revolutionary lovers!!
Infinite Adoration,
wendy-o matik
Labels: HOME: End of the Year 2007
On Forgiveness:
My good friend, Sally, told me that Tibetan Buddhists believe that people who bring challenges into your life are really just Buddhas who are sent to help you grow and strengthen inside. They are gifts, to be respected. This belief sits comfortably with my philosophy on unconditional forgiveness. As an activist of the heart, forgiveness and compassion are paramount. Yet to offer forgiveness with strings attached or because you’re expecting a specific response defeats the purpose. True forgiveness must be devoid of ego. To forgive is to truly let go of the outcome, interpretation, results, and unresolved emotions. Maybe it’s because we’re nearing the end of 2006, or maybe it’s because I’m feeling the usual holiday despair, or maybe it’s because when I get down, I always to strive harder to push my comfort zone and snap out of the doldrums. Either way, I’m in space of trying to live my values and uphold what I know to be true and honest in my heart: that only through forgiveness can I find serenity, compassion, and greater healing. With forgiveness as my destination, I am able to greet each day with the expected challenge of facing all my fears and having faith that whatever doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger. This journey requires daily recognition and appreciation for all that I am grateful for, and not just the good stuff (that would be too simple). Unconditional gratitude means acknowledging your gratitude for the hard stuff, the difficult times, the messy emotions too. So I say a little prayer that gives thanks for the whole story, the love and the light as well as the suffering and the loss. From each in lies a lesson. And each lesson, a gift.
OTTAWA:
This is most definitely my last email from Canada. I had great luck selling my book on Bank Street, thanks to open minded folks. Bless your hearts at Mother Tongue & After Stonewall! Long live independent bookstores!! I'm beat. I walked for hours, too cheap to spend bus fare, so I splurged on gifts for my mom, sister, and girlfriend... and oh yes, a dynamite used leather dress coat (trenchcoat), that looks stunning, which I bought in Kensington Market in Toronto for c-h-e-a-p (my middle name).
I'm too exhausted to write, if you can believe that. So I'm signing off until next time.
Your faithful lover and friend,
wendy
OTTAWA:
Last night marked my last event, spokenword at The Study Lounge. Megan was on fire, fearless in her delivery and authentic in her style. I already feel the heart-strings being pulled with my approaching departure tomorrow. And it's time. Two weeks on the road at my age is enough to remind anyone where they belong and what they miss. I hope everyone got their postcards, I believe I mailed about 15 in total.
Today, I'm off to the "Castro" of Ottawa, an area called Glebe, where I'll try to peddle my relationship book to the local gay, feminist, and lefty bookstores on Bank St.
I'll be back in everyone's arms very soon. Keep stoking the fires of our love until I get back! I'm having serious affection withdrawls!!!
wendy XO
OTTAWA:
Sometimes, you just have to trust it, trust your guts urging you to dive in, submit, surrender, succumb to it. Sometimes, you just know; there are no doubts. You are operating from a primordial place of memories woven into your molecular structure, an ancient, prehistoric tradition of love. I feel that when I speak her name. I feel that when I write her love letters. I sense it in my voice, my emotions, my body, my breathing. She's over 3,000 miles away and we just got off the phone and my raft has just capsized and I'm perfectly calm, floating down this river of devotion for her. I trust that her hand will reach out to catch me if I float out too far. I trust that when our bodies touch again, we won't need maps or navigational equipment. I trust that the moment I hear her laugh or get frustrated or see her act like a scaredy-cat or get rambunctiously playful with her dog, all my worries will melt away, just like they always do.
Sometimes, you wait all your life to meet someone that you almost can't imagine how you got by without them in your life or why you settled for less all those years.
Sometimes, you brush up against love so closely that it startles you. You fall out of your chair. Your emotions jump out of your skin. You say really embarassing things. You make a total fool of yourself. You can't even stop yourself from serving up cheesey love guts every time they are near. You finally admit to your stubborn self that you've discovered you're a real romantic, dammit!
Sometimes, you just get lucky....
Squishy love bites coming your way,
wendy XXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OTTAWA:
Once again, it's been days since I've had access to a computer but I'm safely back in Ottawa, thanks to Megan's great driving and superb navigational skills. It's been a whirlwind expedition... I'll back track so you can get a feel...
TUES: I had the privilege and thrill of being on filmed for a 30-min. personal story blurb for SexTV (http://www.sextelevision.net). A SexTV producer and author of The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disabilities, Cory Silverberg, invited me on the show. It gets pre-recorded and edited, so I'll get a copy at some point. He and his staff were just wonderful, friendly, aware, and I really had a great experience. That night, I had another workshop at Good for Her and it was sold out, 20 people, and according to Chanelle (the owner), it was the most diverse turn out in her many years of running the store. I felt tremendous support and got positive feedback from people of all ages, genders, races, and backgrounds.
WED: Meggles & I drove to Montreal (a 6.5 hr. drive) and practically bonded as blood sisters! We spilled our stories, opened our guts, shared our pains and sorrows, joys and triumphs. It was soooo cathartic. I just adore her to no end. I hardly remember the roadside attractions we passed along the way--hawks, Lake Ontario, swamps, Oaks, collosal cloud formations, etc.--because I was too entranced in our newly ignited friendship. I arrived safely into the arms of my oldest and dearest soul sister, Claire, and Jean Michel who had only just recently moved to Montreal from Marseille in the South of France. I don't have enough strength nor time to describe how long overdue and grand that visit was, so suffice it to say that it was unforgettable, heart-expansive, monumental, and much like a reunion of spiritual magnificence and trancedence. I love Claire & Jean Michel with the force of a ravenous, bloodthirsty lion. I simply can't get enough of them.
THURS: Despite a euphoric-like, acid-like, dream-like trip to a magificent farmers market, where Claire & I were completely useless, indecisive, and hopelessly caught up in our electrical connection, Jean Michel saved the day and fed and nurtured us day and night. I facilitated a sensational workshop at the much popular Cafe Esperanza. It was well attended, sold stuff, and really appreciated the organizer and my host, Sebastian from JoyToyz. Everything was terrific!
FRI: I slept til noon and then more storytelling and late nights with Claire & JM. That night I read poetry with Megan and Alexis O'Hara, who blew my world and lit my pants on fire with inspiration. Alexis, if you're reading this, you fuckin' ROCKED MY WORLD! Buckets of flickering, fireflies of inspiration to you, dazzling woman!
SAT: On 4 hours of sleep, Megan drove us back to Ottawa. We gabbed the whole way back, story for story, emotion for emotion, happy harmony always. Megan, you are my hero!!
mad love,
wendy
TORONTO:
It's been a few days and that's the way it goes when you're on the road or staying at someone's house and you can't get access to a computer conveniently. I'll back track.
SAT: Megan & I hit the road in our little, silver, mini-rental car. We took the country roads to Toronto (the largest populated city in the NW continent) and the landscape was gorgeous--prairies, forests, groves, granite boulders jutting out, dramatic magenta & yellow wildflowers, and more shades of green than we have words for. Just breathtaking! But the highlight of the trip was MEGAN. She is simply delightful, full of compassion, depth of emotion, awareness and sensitivity. We shared our whole life stories for hours and now, I just adore her even more. Megan, YOU ROCK!
SUN: My second (women & trans) workshop was a bit smaller and more intimate, but it was still sensational. Afterwards, 5 of us women went out for lunch and I so enjoyed making new friends. Conversation was lively, political, and engaging. Canadians are just lovable and friendly people!! Our first poetry reading didn't have a great turn out, but we put our hearts' into it and everyone was very supportive and encouraging. Now I have to go into a diatribe on how brilliant and stunning Megan's poems and writing is. She completely blew me away. She is bar-none one of the sexy-ist poets alive. Her command of language, nuance, and emotion is superb. It is an immense pleasure and privilege to read with her. Lucky me!
MON: Megan & I went to the well known Kensington Market. We did what girls know how to do instinctively and without reservation... we SHOPPED! I had a blast. One of my workshops cancelled but that was okay because a producer from SexTV (an international positive sex channel) asked to do an interview with me. So that's what I'll be doing today. Then I have a sold-out workshop tonight. I leave for Montreal tomorrow, where I will most definitely have no email or computer access until Sun. Aug. 21st.
GRATITUDE LIST: I am very grateful to many folks who have been so kind and generous to me. First & foremost on that list is JC & Jen (my "home" in Toronto), and the home of the 2 most fantastic, open, fabulous, funny, and incredibly generous couple that I have had the good fortune of getting to know. I must also thank Rene (from New Foundland), Come As You Are, Sascha, Megan (of course), and the two very sweet trans/women who gave me a ride all over town--heartfelt appreciation!!
gotta run, but shipping freight loads of love your way in the shape of micro-postcard,
wendy-o
OTTAWA:
Sometimes you just have to follow your intuition and trust that little inner voice telling you that it's all going to work out fine. My new friend & comrade along this journey was Djuna. She offered to take me around the city today and it was the best day I've had so far since I got here. We crossed the canal and the river, and set off for exploring where the beach meets the wilderness in Quebec. We hiked for hours through the Gatineau Parkway which spreads itself along the wall of ancient Canadian Shield rock shaped by the passage of glaciers thousands of years ago. Well, actually more percisely 450 million years ago! On its two lookout points are exceptional views of the Ottawa river from the Eardly Escarpment towards the valley of the Outaouis River. It was breathtaking. The nature, ducks, seagull, forest, chipmunks, lakes, and boulders were enough to restore my faith in the beauty of all living things unhindered by technology. But the best part of my day wasn't the Michael Semak photography exhibit, which was fuckin' incredibly bold and brilliant. Nor was it the double expresso that had me reeling out of control for half the day. Nor was it the Italian gelato I had after dinner. Nope. It was a sparkling new friendship of courageous capacity. I feel so blessed and grateful for this small window of time to connect with my new friend. The world is a little smaller today, and my life is a lot richer. Thanks, Djuna, for sharing your beautiful city me, but most of all for sharing your personal feelings, insight, wisdom, clarity, and belief. You are a genuine treasure!!
heartfelt spasms,
wendy
OTTAWA:
First things first: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM! May you be surrounded by words of love and adoration throughout your day.
It always feels like a crap-shot when it comes to setting up these tours, particularly when everything is arranged by email. You've confirmed dates, times, locations, and yet the big unknown dangles precariously like one wet shoe that you're never quite convinced will ever dry all the way through. Fortunately, my track record is stellar, from London to Aussie to New Zealand, back to Aussie, and now to Canada. If my first workshop last night was any indication of what's to come... then I'm in for a fabulous ride because attendance was very high, everyone had either already bought the book or went home with it, half the group stayed another 30 minutes after just to pick my brain for more stories, and I even got a friendly offer to go to the beach the following day! I'm ecstatic and overwhelmed with delight! The folks here at Venus Envy (where I'm staying) are just wonderful, so down-to-earth, and very accommodating. That means YOU: Michelle & Shelley!! A thousand thank you's for your hospitality!
Yesterday I made it to the National Gallery, taking 3 hours to walk through an extensive Canadian artists' exhibit, the Contemporary art exhibit, and the Asian art exhibit. All of which were sensational, but what really stood out was the Inuit and native aboriginal art work--unbelievably intricate bead work and amazing ritualistic carvings of stone and wood. I also watched/listened to a short film on an Inuit breathing technique for creating music. It had that same trance-like effect of Georgorian chanting, hypnotic and healing in its depth and tones.
Not much else to report except that I've been sleeping well, eating well, and enjoying the calming flow of Ottawa and its friendly nature.
My love is with you all,
wendy XXOO
OAKLAND, CA:
Dearest Canadian Community,
The countdown begins... It is with great anticipation and enthusiasm that I aboard a plane in 5 days for the radical love warrior tour through Ottawa, Toronto, and Montreal with my new pal, Megan. I can't thank her enough for all that she's done to put this whole thing poetry & travel & sleeping arrangements together on my behalf and carefully organized around all of my workshops dates. Megan, if you're out there, if you're reading this, if you're ears are burning, I am sending you heaps of gratitude. You are a treasure and a super-heroine! I'm gearing up for good fortune, fabulous adventures, and my last hurrah of escape before I return to another 10-months of holistic nutrition school. I bring you all that I have to give: my heart bursting forth with love and hope and beauty. May you feel it when we brush past one another along the streets. May you sense it when you stop by JoyToyz, Good for Her, Come As You Are, or Venus Envy. May intentions of radical love infuse your every step. See you all very soon!!
Revolution starts within,
wendy-o matik
